mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Randomize
