This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
