I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
