Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
