I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
