Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
