Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
