everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
