i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
