Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
