being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
