I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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