The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
We just shotgunned beers for America
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
