She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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