Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
This is classic penis vs brain.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
