I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
