"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
