Apparently you make a good broom.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
sarcasm needs its own font
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
