I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
