I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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