Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
