we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
