I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
