The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I have post one night stand depression
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
