so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
