Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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