so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
