drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
