do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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