Pants 0. Shit 1.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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