Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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