I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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