my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Randomize
