i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
