Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Watching her eat just hurts me
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
