I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
