Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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