I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
