this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
