She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
