just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
