Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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