Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
