I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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