God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
