If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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