Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
