i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
