He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
