please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
When did we convert life to cartoon?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
