Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
